sad song

and now my happy song has ended / and illusions have all betrayed me, / i can no more write a love poem / even death doesn't frighten me, / i wish, i wish-i were the old me / and not as old as i am now, / i wish i feared, i wish i cried / i wish a sad song could breathe in me.

happy song

and now i know

that my happy song will end--

-in a scream going dumb.

-in a jarring note of cacophony.

today's mute helen:

tomorrow's virago xanthippe!

yet still i shall sing my happy song

and save my tears till i am dumb.

seeking

i know it's a new dawn

a dawn heralding the coming dusk

and yet i welcome you.

i know you are a spring

who will melt in my autumn

and yet i desire you.

i am tired

of being the 'good' female

i wish to be a woman

—as i was before time began .

let me sin or deny me life

but don't stifle me any more with ideals.

i

many centuries ago

i burned a troy.

i hated my husband.

(i am the eternal seducer.)

many centuries later

my son said-

"frailty, thy name is woman."

i hated his father.

(i am a woman of loose morals.)

yesterday in a newspaper

my father raped me

tomorrow they will burn me in the temple square.

they say now-

i am the apple, the serpent and also the ear

i am the witch that needs always be burned.

the girl i could not understand

(1)

it was our anniversary. he had gifted me imported chocolates. at the red light, in between kisses and chocolates intruded a voice... a ragged creature with a stained face asking for my chocolates, offering to bless me in exchange. i hated her then although i threw out the chocolates. i saw her licking her fingers afterward.

(2)

cool breeze, perfumed air we five friends are trying on mehendi its eleven in the night, but this is a posh locality shiela dixit will ensure our security and then a urgent pressure on my hands "buy my roses, didi, do buy my roses" i shrink from the touch i shoo her away she keeps coming back with her near wailing cry, her desperation evident in her pleading. i look at her a stone cold set face, hardened beyond any feeling

(3) yesterday i saw her she was staring out at me

from a rembrandt painting.

loss

Last night i dreamt of him

We were in a temple

The idols were covered

But the lamps were lit

The idol blessed us—

With blindness.

Today i woke up lost

... my paradise already lost.

the moon and the cactus

The moon fell in love with the cactus

The cactus refused to embrace him

The moon languished away...

...A fortnight and it revived.

 

But the cactus!!?

She pined away.

conversation

Words convey loss of meaning

Mutilation of truth

Silently she believed

The promises made in words

So the lover she embraces in bed today 

Is the Oxford English Dictionary.

(there even "silence" is expressed in words!!)

love

I worship a stone idol.

I married him when i was a child.

Now i weep blood,

I carry stones in my womb.

I die a virgin every night.

denying 'a' threshold

i am trying

desperately...

to limit the limit.

although i hate myself for it

yet i must.

A Dido in the present times

can never be the emblem of love

at most....the epitome of supreme inanity

( to be laughed at and made the butt of jokes)

And a fanny brown i can never be....

and so....

i am limiting the limit

.....to strangle some 'dido' in me.

death wish

the contemplation of death...

is the only solace;

the only living passion left in me...

(i have always been an author of sadistic fantasies)...

And now...

Death is my beloved---the one-forever in my thoughts,

i long for his embrace.... i wish-

he would possess me in my entirety

make me a part of his entity.

i don't want any space for myself,

i desire complete annihilation.

Death,you alone can satiate me...

Come into me and fulfill me..

And if not....

then just get lost...

the way the other did

from whom i had demanded these very things.

the promise...

vanquished and satisfied

i soar into the abyss of destruction

clipped wings mock my flight

yet i move on since i shall not stop

is this happiness-

i am not sure

i am irredeemably ruined

in a void i find completion.

a desire so strong-

no fulfillment is necessary

though torment i find bliss

my fear is peaceful oblivion

love, lust, longing-

i know not their meaning

i know, i seek, i strive

my nemesis, my god

my saviour...and i found you-

the promise of nothingness.

the reason to live.

hopes

greenness breaths in graveyard alone

and death--the true promise of life

dreams--shattered by a series of silence

and i weep-

because i still hold on to a green promise

i weep-

because still i dream

freedom

She roamed with clouds

Floated with the breeze

He came and said—

“I imprison you.”

Captivity she cherished

(although a wild girl)

Then he set her free...

She now lies dying in a desert.

midnight rain

Dawn and dusks comes and goes

At 2 in the morning (or should i say night!)

I sit huddled in the balcony

My thighs tightly pressing my breast

To press down a pain that chokes my breath.

The peacock cries on—

Ugly sounds of joy and ecstasy.

A lone dog whimpers somewhere

Echoing my helplessness and vulnerability

Rain hurts him (as it needles me)

And the peacocks continue to cry—

Shrilly triumphing in its desire satisfied.

panbazar

together...

We walked down a road

He talked of stars and dreams and us

I talked of the traffic and dirt and the crowd

He saw dirt and doubt in my eyes

I saw a dream and a promise in his

We never met eyes again.