love letter

tonight i feel like writing. in a style which is accused for being feminine. because tonight i feel the raw ache again. tonight my grief knows no bound. tonight, tonight... if only i survive tonight! 


dear love, i am not the first woman to be deserted, but ahh Dido's are not yet dead. and i am burning. burning like Faustus' desire, burning like Dido's pyre. when did you leave me? and when will you start to leave me? when will Moolchand be 'just' an underpass to me? and when will INA be 'just' a market? when will  Ben Okri be 'just' another writer? and when will Kunda be 'just' another proper name? when will Up be 'just' a movie? and when will rhino be 'just' another animal?


the mundane is so under-appreciated. now when i think back, i realize every beautiful memory of you is a page out of the mundane. but what an extraordinary mundane! do you remember the monkey stealing your toiletries away from under the bed! or the time when both of us got down at different stations only to meet each other in the next station! do you remember how the Barry Williams show revved us up? and how normal people used to turn into aliens and sprout horns when we don't like them! and the garden of paradise before the fall!! my eve! couldn't you resist a small bite of the apple! 


but it's i who fell. patriarchy lies. i am very sure it was the greedy Adam who gobbled down the apple (as you did/do). but i fall. always. i wonder if there is a mention of me in the holy books as someone who shall always be denied a home. 


but i digress! 'this is not what i meant at all/this is not it at all.' i want you to remember me with happiness, and i wish you and your beloved every joy. i know life is mostly unfair and i want you to stock on good times as much as you can, because they are what keeps you going on a bad day. i wish for you faith and i wish for you integrity and loyalty. i wish you never lack love and friends in your life. 


i shall forget you within this lifetime. at the least i will forget how intensely i love you. i will look back and wonder if it was real and i will be convinced it was not. but for the moment love, know that i love you true. and despite everything, despite all heartbreaks, i agree with Tennyson... better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!